By Julia

Oh Cosmo, we know you care. We know you want us to feel like Rihanna every damn day. But some of your suggestions are going to bring our sex life to a screaming halt, as no guy will ever want to talk to us again. Even if the restraining order gets dropped.

I’ve managed to put together a list of some of the WORST ideas the writers of Cosmo have had over the years. If you want to get laid, avoid doing the following at all costs, starting with foreplay:

  • “Text this: “Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your dad’s?”” (Cosmopolitan)

Nothing hotter than seeing him jealous. And you know the best way to do that? Threatening him with his father. He loves when you keep it in the family.

  • “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.'”(Nerve/Cosmopolitan)

Bonus points: Say it WHILE the meat is in your mouth and let it fall down your face.

  • “Sprinkle pepper under his nose during sex to double the intensity when he sneezes.”(Cosmopolitan)

 Yeah? Why stop there? Find out what he’s allergic to and make his throat close!!!!

I hope you meant on the magazine, not your underwear. I don’t think you’re going to get money back for the dirty panties that have been on your head.

  • “Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.” (Nerve/Cosmopolitan)

 And how hot will your sex life get when you bring in a bunch of ants?!

  • “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.” (Cosmopolitan)

Hey babe, I’m going to need you to stay still while I drown you. I have a really sexy, cool thing to say when this is over with, stay still.

  • “Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his… Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won’t know why.”(Cosmopolitan)

Also, light candles around his body and begin chanting in a really low voice. Demon role-play is so in this fall.

  • (From 27 guys reveal the best things a woman has ever done in bed) “Sprinkled chili powder in my nose.” —Isaac, 21 (Cosmopolitan)

Isaac, go home.

  • Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner.(Cosmopolitan)

See suggestion 1 and have it be his father. W i f e M a t e r i a l.



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